As space begins to emerge between the peaks and valleys of full-blown, body-curdling grief, I listen intently, deeply in-tune with the constant hum of my every day pain.

It began as soul-shredding, knock-me-off-my-feet-shock, before giving way to take-my-breath-away numbness; frightening indifference to once-loved activities and interactions. It then slowly morphed into the unrelenting weight of a cinder block, precariously balanced on my chest, leaving me invisibly paralyzed as I trudged through each day.

But now, five months later, my grief is manifesting in a new way.

It is more subtle, but still unmistakably present.
With every breath, it is as if I’m consuming hot, humid air.
I breathe in, and out, but am burdened by its excessive fullness, its heaviness.

The other day, amidst this humidity, I found myself longing for the frigid air of Autumn.

Perhaps I longed for Autumn’s crispness,
its promise to provide my lungs with their first fresh,
uninhibited breath since March.

Perhaps I longed for it’s permission to renew,
its signal of changing times, of new beginnings.
Of moving forward.

But, perhaps I longed for Autumn
because it is my last untouched season.

It has not yet been flooded with days of pain,
where grief lurks, ready to surface without my consent.
Autumn has not yet been forced to make new memories
void of my Sister’s laughter and love.

Autumn is still bicycle rides among bursts of colourful, crunching leaves.
It is blanket scarves, knit sweaters, and picnics in grassy fields.
It is swing sets, pumpkin patches, and dog walks. It is warm lattes and rained-out days.

Dearest Autumn,
I wish you could remain
untouched; unscathed.

---

Continue Reading My Collection of Grief Reflections:

1. Surviving The Loss of Sisterhood
2. (SOMETIMES) | Our Matching Tattoos
3. I Wear My Dead Sister’s Clothes
4. My Cherry Blossom
5. Dear Autumn
6. Behind The Scenes
7. What Are You Thankful For
8. Little Women
9. Our Last Day Together
10. Scrabble On The Psychiatric Ward
11. What’s Harder? Death Days Or Birth Days?
12. Rebuilding Trust With The World
13. Christmas Eve
14. Maddie, I Wish I Could Run Like You
15. All We Can Do Is Try
16. What To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving

Read my Sister’s observations, reflections, and poetry:

1. Two Belugas, Two Blue Guys
2. I am not a sculpture, I am a garden