The first Christmas after losing my Sister, I could anticipate some of the hurt to come: an unfilled stocking, a missing seat at the dinner table, and an empty spot around the tree.

These were the givens. The “I-know-this-will-hurt-so-I-can-maybe-prepare-to-just-get-through-it” type of scenarios.

But what caught me off-guard, was the sorrow that came as I wandered up and down store aisles amidst the holiday hustle and bustle.

One after another, the things I would have pulled off the shelf, wrapped with care, and watched Rachel unwrap with joy, presented themselves. And they would bring me to tears.

And I would leave the store in a flurry, empty handed, and unable to return, during the “most wonderful time of the year.”

But this Christmas, instead of being brought to tears by the things that reminded me of her, I felt an urge to collect them. Gifts meant for her, that would now be for me.

And now here I am, on Christmas Eve.

Sitting on the floor, amidst candlelit shadows.
Adorned in cozy socks and ripped jeans.
Reading Rupi Kaur’s words, and armed with
a new journal—a blank canvas—for my own.

And, she’s still not here.

But, maybe just maybe, being
Surrounded by my collection of “her”
Somehow, even if only for a moment,
Lessens the distance between
what’s lost and what’s here.

So this evening,
As I hang one less stocking
by the fireplace with care, I’m also
Sending all my love—and then some—
To those who’ve lost their loved ones and
To those who are struggling to survive
this holiday season.

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Continue Reading My Collection of Grief Reflections:

1. Surviving The Loss of Sisterhood
2. (SOMETIMES) | Our Matching Tattoos
3. I Wear My Dead Sister’s Clothes
4. My Cherry Blossom
5. Dear Autumn
6. Behind The Scenes
7. What Are You Thankful For
8. Little Women
9. Our Last Day Together
10. Scrabble On The Psychiatric Ward
11. What’s Harder? Death Days Or Birth Days?
12. Rebuilding Trust With The World
13. Christmas Eve
14. Maddie, I Wish I Could Run Like You
15. All We Can Do Is Try
16. What To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving

Read my Sister’s observations, reflections, and poetry:

1. Two Belugas, Two Blue Guys
2. I am not a sculpture, I am a garden