I am not a sculpture, I am a garden.

This is the next piece in a collection entitled: Love From, Rachel. My Sister’s deepest desire was to publish a book of poetry. It would tell the story of her survival, the story that would keep herself—and one day, others—alive. When she died, she left behind 15 journals from her 5-year battle with mental illness: the heartbreaks, the horrors, the abundance, the vibrance, the love, and most importantly, the hope. We now pour ourselves over these journals, continuing to learn intricate details about my Sister long after her body has been laid to rest. Her journals give the impression that there are enough of her words to fill our lifetime. But I recognize that this is only blissful protect-myself-now-deal-with-it-later ignorance. One day there will be no more pages to turn, no more words to share. But until her words run dry, I will open these well-worn pages, to share them with you.

I am not a sculpture, I am a garden.

Love From, Rachel.

His body was like the bindings
of my journal
he felt strong when he could
keep all of my material inside

Every time he found
ripped out pages he cried
and tried to retrieve them

He traced the jagged place
where the paper was torn
and then put his hand
to my body
Trying to find the
place where something
was hidden
or missing.

You stick your hand down
my throat and you
pull out prose
sometimes kindly
and sometimes with force
that hurts

You became so obsessive
of my words
that you forgot that I
am the one who writes them

You forget the body
and you remember
the paper

and sometimes
I worry and wonder
that by the time
you retrieve all the pages
and put them back into
the book that is mine
that I will be torn apart.

And you will take the journal,
wrapped up with everything
you know about me
and leave me

A bundle of skin bits
and frayed limbs on the
floor of your judgement

But what does that make
me, to me?

You see I don’t see myself
like a body.
like a fixed proportion
that no amount of
working out or eating well
or healthy choices will ever change
too much

I am not a sculpture
I am a garden;
I am never set
In unforgiving stone.
But rather,
made to change
and grow.

So if you sift through my
pages
And your mind tends to
land on the ones that
are missing
I will simply turn my
trust towards someone new

Let that be myself
And I’ll figure out not
how to shove my own
hand down my esophagus
until my insides burn
looking for pages I wanted
to lose forever

But rather,
to let flowers bloom in
place of ripped out paper.
For my flowers are always,
without fail,
Kind.

I will leave you if I have
to
To be full and proud of myself
To know it is still okay to
accept myself while I am growing

I will leave you if I have to
Make no misunderstanding
about that.

Continue reading my Sister’s reflections and poetry:

  1. Two Belugas, Two Blue Guys
  2. I am not a sculpture, I am a garden

Read My Collection of Grief Reflections:

  1. Surviving The Loss of Sisterhood
  2. (SOMETIMES) | Our Matching Tattoos
  3. I Wear My Dead Sister’s Clothes
  4. My Cherry Blossom
  5. Dear Autumn
  6. Behind The Scenes
  7. What Are You Thankful For
  8. Little Women
  9. Our Last Day Together
  10. Scrabble On The Psychiatric Ward
  11. What’s Harder? Death Days Or Birth Days?
  12. Rebuilding Trust With The World
  13. Christmas Eve
  14. Maddie, I Wish I Could Run Like You
  15. All We Can Do Is Try
  16. What To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

SHARE THIS POST WITH
YOUR ADVENTURE-PALS!

I'm Maddie—and I can't wait to share the power of outdoor spaces with you.

GRIEF, TRAIL RUNNING, & ADVENTURE WRITER

GET TO KNOW ME

If you're looking to heal outdoors and out loud, this is the place for you. This space is all about sharing my outdoor reflections, equipping you with the know-how and courage to get out there yourself, and empowering you with the tools to write about your own wild adventures.

WHILE YOU'RE HERE, LET'S GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER!

           I'm Maddie—and I show others the power of healing outdoors and out loud.

This space is all about sharing my outdoor adventure reflections and equipping you with the know-how and courage to get out there yourself—through resources like trip itineraries, outdoor gear guides, and beginner’s guides.

READ MY STORY

Hey, I'm Maddie—and I show others the power of healing outdoors and out loud.

Let's adventure, together!

All the adventure-inspiration you could need, right to your inbox! Think: beginner's guides, trip planning expertise, and wild adventures to salivate over, curated for your adventurous soul. Whether you're in the off-season or out bagging peaks, this periodic note from me-to-you will keep your head in the clouds and your feet on the ground!

A collection of raw, gritty, honest stories of my adventures through life, love, and loss.

Adventures, Unabridged.

All the adventure-inspiration you could need, right to your inbox!  Whether you're in the off-season or out bagging peaks, this periodic note from me-to-you will keep your head in the clouds and your feet on the ground!

BACK TO THE TOP

Let's adventure, together!

All the adventure-inspiration you could need, right to your inbox! This periodic note from me-to-you will keep your head in the clouds and your feet on the ground!

BACK TO THE TOP