My Sister once told my Dad the reason why she was uncomfortable with people reading her journals: “My journals represent who I was and how I thought at a specific moment in time. I may have changed since then”
For me, I consider my writings about grief, loss, and adventure as “guarded vulnerability”. My words are carefully constructed after hours upon hours of thoughtful contemplation.
And, they are drafted in reversible ink
Once they are released onto the internet, I can edit them. And I do. I obsess over what I’ve written, re-reading it hundreds of times, carefully tweaking language, words, phrases, and nuances until it perfectly articulates my feelings.
So, when Jay Kiew asked me to speak on his Millennials with Machetes podcast on the topic of Surviving The Loss of Sisterhood, I was terrified. I knew that in this format it would be a new degree of vulnerability.
This recording of my words would be irreversible ink
As the podcast episode releases today, I am still terrified; more terrified, to be exact. I sit here, nervously thinking:
- Was I careless in my explanations?
- Did I make this too much about me?
- Has my opinion changed as I’ve grown?
- Did I do a disservice to those living with mental illness?
- Will I negatively trigger others who are survivors of suicide?
But, as much as it frightens me, as I wade into this new vulnerability, I have also been gifted with monumental “firsts”. This podcast was:
The first time I’ve read my Sister’s poetry out loud.
The first time someone has read my writing out loud, back to me
The first time I’ve been able to trust someone else to tell my story
So here it is: Surviving the Loss of Sisterhood
It is raw. uncut. unfiltered. unedited. unabridged.
It is my thoughts and beliefs at a moment in time.
But, even in its “rawness”, it is still important.
It is a story of immense, unparalleled loss.
It is a story that sheds light on unfathomable circumstances.
And, it is a story of hope and healing;
A story of finding a way to sit with darkness,
Until the light starts shining through.