Here we were.
Just Mom and me.
There was an empty seat to my right.

As the trailers began, I imagined what this movie theatre experience would be if Rachel were sitting next to me. Not a memory, but a conjuring of now; pretending she was part of this future, this story of mine that is still being written.

Dreamlike, I pictured her beside me
Green lowlights, shoulder-length hair
shiny nose ring
eyes twinkling
her side grin, glancing at me,
defiantly grabbing a massive handful of popcorn

But here we were
Just Mom and me

Despite Little Women being a classic, I didn’t know the story

I didn’t know it was the beautiful portrayal of the March family sisterhood

I didn’t know that their companionship would so closely mirror mine and my Sister’s

And I didn’t know that these Little Women
would lose their Sister, too

As the fate of the March family unwove itself too quickly, I sat for hours with the piercing, devastating reminder of the sisterhood I’ve now lost. Tears shed and I quieted my patchy breaths, concerned I would disturb the other movie-goers.

As we left, I heard a young women behind me, “I cried for that whole entire movie”

I wondered if she too, cried for the same reason

And I found myself longing for my tears to be a result of simply the “thought” of losing my sister, instead

I bee-lined for the exit
I wondered if anyone noticed
My red face
My quick pace

In the parking lot the cold air hit my face
The snow fell onto my cheeks
I turned to my Mom
And burst into tears

“I didn’t know that was the story”
We cried the whole way home

After, I was left wondering why my tears fell so quickly, so freely.
Why this hurt penetrated so deeply

For some reason, Little Women brought it all together. It made me realize that we cannot long deeply for what we’ve never had. For me, and the March women, it is more than just the death of a sister; it is the death of sisterhood

I was privileged to be gifted 21 years of sisterhood

But maybe if I had known that sooner
I would have held tighter
Cherished deeper
Fought harder

So,
Please hold your Sister extra tight
Because we have no way of knowing
Who will or who won’t
make it through the night

---

Continue Reading My Collection of Grief Reflections:

1. Surviving The Loss of Sisterhood
2. (SOMETIMES) | Our Matching Tattoos
3. I Wear My Dead Sister’s Clothes
4. My Cherry Blossom
5. Dear Autumn
6. Behind The Scenes
7. What Are You Thankful For
8. Little Women
9. Our Last Day Together
10. Scrabble On The Psychiatric Ward
11. What’s Harder? Death Days Or Birth Days?
12. Rebuilding Trust With The World
13. Christmas Eve
14. Maddie, I Wish I Could Run Like You
15. All We Can Do Is Try
16. What To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving

Read my Sister’s observations, reflections, and poetry:

1. Two Belugas, Two Blue Guys
2. I am not a sculpture, I am a garden