“What do I say to someone who is grieving,” she asked

I paused, trying to find the right answer to an impossible question.

Previously, I’d considered sharing a list of words that hurt, alongside words that healed, throughout my grief journey

But a few weeks ago I came across multiple articles discussing how one should never say “I can’t imagine…” to a grieve

The rationale behind this, was that “I can’t imagine” could be likened to an unwillingness to try

But, as I read the articles, I recoiled: “Oh, please don’t discourage that phrase; don’t take it away”

Because for me, “I can’t imagine” was a breath of air.

It placed much-needed distance between an outsider’s “understanding” and my harsh reality. It acknowledged that my pain was unique, inconceivable, unimaginable.

It was an admittance from the person sitting across from me, that they truly understood the gravity of the situation.

So where does that leave us? Well,
The reality is that each person’s grief
is as unique as the person we lost.

As a result,
What may help me, may not help someone else
What brings someone closer, may have pushed me away
What someone needed to hear at month one, may not have worked for me until year two, or three, or ever.

So, instead of a list of no-go phrases
I offer a different point of view.

What should you say to someone who is grieving?

First of all, you should say SOMETHING
But, it doesn’t stop there.

Recognizing that the “something” you said is most likely not the “right” thing, I urge you to follow up in earnest, a few days later.

In your follow up, create space for your griever to be open about how the conversation truly went:

“Hey, it means the world to me that you were honest about what you’re going through. We covered a lot of ground the other day, and I realize I may not have been equipped to respond in the way you needed. I wanted to ask if there was anything I said that is sitting heavy on your heart or that you’d like to revisit”

More often than not, this space will
Give a chance for your griever to be heard and seen
Save and strengthen your relationship and
Result in a big, gracious sigh of relief.

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Continue Reading My Collection of Grief Reflections:

1. Surviving The Loss of Sisterhood
2. (SOMETIMES) | Our Matching Tattoos
3. I Wear My Dead Sister’s Clothes
4. My Cherry Blossom
5. Dear Autumn
6. Behind The Scenes
7. What Are You Thankful For
8. Little Women
9. Our Last Day Together
10. Scrabble On The Psychiatric Ward
11. What’s Harder? Death Days Or Birth Days?
12. Rebuilding Trust With The World
13. Christmas Eve
14. Maddie, I Wish I Could Run Like You
15. All We Can Do Is Try
16. What To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving

Read my Sister’s observations, reflections, and poetry:

1. Two Belugas, Two Blue Guys
2. I am not a sculpture, I am a garden