But what does it look like? The behind-the-scenes of daily conversations while healing? It is myself and yourself dancing cautiously as each question is posed. It is my mind, in response, conjuring up gritty truths that are too shocking, too complex to be let loose as my lips begin to unfold: ⁠⠀

“How are you?”⁠⠀
I’m here.⁠⠀

“Have all of your siblings left your parent’s home?”⁠⠀
I suppose you could say that.⁠⠀

“I love your shirt”⁠⠀
Thanks, it was my Sister’s before she died. ⁠⠀

“What are you reading?”⁠⠀
Against Death. 35 Essays on Living.⁠⠀

“Where did you travel on your leave of absence?!” ⁠⠀
To hell and back.⁠⠀

My silent answers. My unspoken truths.⁠⠀

Because more often than not, the answer I share is a muted, half-truth: “Yes, my siblings have all left home”; “Thanks, I can’t remember where it’s from”; “oh, I went running and motorcycling around BC.”⁠⠀

But sometimes. ⁠⠀
I choose to let my gritty truth come splattering out.⁠⠀

And when I do, one of my biggest worries is that you will ruminate over our conversation, concerned that you tore at my open wound. But instead, what I hope, is that you understand that my honest answer was a result of the warm, comforting refuge you created, just by being you.⁠⠀

A refuge where I felt I could be open.⁠⠀
Where I felt I could be vulnerable.⁠⠀
One without judgment and without fear ⁠⠀
of sounding like a broken-record.⁠⠀

And as a result of this safety,
you breathed contemplation and release into questions
that were already percolating through my mind all day. ⁠⠀

So when I give an honest answer, please do not turn away.⁠
Because it’s the refuge you’ve created that gives me space to share more than,
“I’m good thanks, how are you today?”⁠

---

Continue Reading My Collection of Grief Reflections:

1. Surviving The Loss of Sisterhood
2. (SOMETIMES) | Our Matching Tattoos
3. I Wear My Dead Sister’s Clothes
4. My Cherry Blossom
5. Dear Autumn
6. Behind The Scenes
7. What Are You Thankful For
8. Little Women
9. Our Last Day Together
10. Scrabble On The Psychiatric Ward
11. What’s Harder? Death Days Or Birth Days?
12. Rebuilding Trust With The World
13. Christmas Eve
14. Maddie, I Wish I Could Run Like You
15. All We Can Do Is Try
16. What To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving

Read my Sister’s observations, reflections, and poetry:

1. Two Belugas, Two Blue Guys
2. I am not a sculpture, I am a garden