This life of mine
that I have fought
tooth and nail
to rebuild,
is grand.

It is unequivocally beautiful.

I am able-bodied. I spend days snuggled between trees and mountains, pushing my body beyond it’s wildest dreams.

I am thirsty for adventure. I count down to the next multi-week trip, to open roads, to laughter and mishap and memories

I am inspired. I wake up with a sense of purpose, with the belief that I am valued, and with the knowledge that every day I am learning and challenged and growing.

I am loved. I have family and friends that stand proud in my corner. They catch me when I fall and see what I am capable of well before it’s apparent to me

My life is a big pile of gorgeous

But as I lay awake at night or
As I catch my breath by the ocean
There is this overwhelming weight

Of waiting for the other shoe to drop
Of waiting for the inevitable

That clouds it all

That creates distance between me
and being able to fully see
this heap of gorgeous in front of me

You see, there are obvious aspects of loss
Yearning for memories passed
Yearning for moments that will never be

But for me
An equally paralyzing piece of loss is the understanding that the next one will not wait for an invitation

That there will be a time when I will be forced to face the soul-shredding reality of losing another

And so, on many days,

I answer my phone, fearful that it’s a call that will change my life, again

I see an ambulance, fearful that it’s for someone I love, again

I make a choice, fearful it is one I will regret forever, again

But you see, I also understand
That although this fear is valid,
It’s ballooned much bigger
than I can let it continue to be

And so
I’m working hard
To believe that my “gorgeous”
Will one day be so darn tall
That my fear
stands no chance at all

But,
I’m also working hard
To have patience.
To acknowledge that this
Is yet another piece
of this difficult journey

Because after all,
Trust with the world
Takes time to rebuild

---

Continue Reading My Collection of Grief Reflections:

1. Surviving The Loss of Sisterhood
2. (SOMETIMES) | Our Matching Tattoos
3. I Wear My Dead Sister’s Clothes
4. My Cherry Blossom
5. Dear Autumn
6. Behind The Scenes
7. What Are You Thankful For
8. Little Women
9. Our Last Day Together
10. Scrabble On The Psychiatric Ward
11. What’s Harder? Death Days Or Birth Days?
12. Rebuilding Trust With The World
13. Christmas Eve
14. Maddie, I Wish I Could Run Like You
15. All We Can Do Is Try
16. What To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving

Read my Sister’s observations, reflections, and poetry:

1. Two Belugas, Two Blue Guys
2. I am not a sculpture, I am a garden