Three days before my Sister died by suicide, we spent the entire day snowshoeing. There was not a doubt in my mind that despite the snowy, sunshine-filled mountain landscape, she battled through every moment of our day together.

She was not okay.

Later, we sat in the lodge,
snowshoes and jackets off,
Limbs sprawled along the bench seats.
Gear spread wide on the wooden table.

For a single moment.
She looked at me.
Her eyes wide. dark.
Despondent.

And she said, softly,
Almost beneath her breath,
“I can’t do this”
And I said,
“What do you mean?”

And she said,
“Nevermind.”

And this one time,
I didn’t pry.

She said it
I heard it
But I didn’t listen
I didn’t act

This was the last day I saw my Sister.
My love. My world. My Best Friend. My everything.

I beg you, please.

When someone—anyone, absolutely anyone—has fought through every ounce of their darkness to even so much as whisper their pain to you. That you listen as though it were a thunderous scream.

That you answer their call.
That you drop everything.

Nothing. Else. Matters.

There is ALWAYS hope.
There is ALWAYS survival.
There is ALWAYS living.
There is ALWAYS thriving.

Behind the storm clouds, the sun still shines. And sometimes, we have the power, even for just a moment, to be someone else’s light before their clouds have cleared.

And for those who trudge through Bell Let’s Talk Day in pain, with constant reminders of the irreplaceable souls you’ve lost: I see you, I hear you, I am with you.

And I beg you, please, to be kind to yourself

To recognize that we often fixate on the moment we were not there. The moment we missed. The moment we failed. The moment we will always regret.

But oh, please do not discredit the tens, hundreds, or thousands of moments that you were there.

The moments you talked
The moments you listened
The moments you acted

You are a gift
We all are.

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Continue Reading My Collection of Grief Reflections:

1. Surviving The Loss of Sisterhood
2. (SOMETIMES) | Our Matching Tattoos
3. I Wear My Dead Sister’s Clothes
4. My Cherry Blossom
5. Dear Autumn
6. Behind The Scenes
7. What Are You Thankful For
8. Little Women
9. Our Last Day Together
10. Scrabble On The Psychiatric Ward
11. What’s Harder? Death Days Or Birth Days?
12. Rebuilding Trust With The World
13. Christmas Eve
14. Maddie, I Wish I Could Run Like You
15. All We Can Do Is Try
16. What To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving

Read my Sister’s observations, reflections, and poetry:

1. Two Belugas, Two Blue Guys
2. I am not a sculpture, I am a garden